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❝ Listen To A Heartache
( posted on Saturday, March 23, 2013 @ 11:58 PM )
"Love never dies a natural death. It dies of neglect and abandonment." - Leo BuscagliaThat's exactly what has been happening. *** Dear You, I have been hiding this heartache from you not because I think I am overreacting but probably because I don't want to share this pain with you. Maybe, one day I or my or our friends will let you read this to explain myself when I no longer can. Like what I always rant, this relationship is the only thing that my prayers and hope aren't good enough to make it work. To make "us" work. I have gained credits at work, even to the worst people I know. Somehow, I have succeeded in my life but not in this. It breaks me down everytime I think about it because of this question: "Naaayos ko naman yung ibang aspeto ng buhay ko, BAKIT ITO HINDI?!" Knowing that I have been putting effort to make this work. Yet, honestly, sometimes, I feel like I have been the only one fighting all along. I FEEL NEGLECTED, ABANDONED, IGNORED. I tried to do things with you. I tried to do things for you. Yet......... I cooked surprise lunches for you.. I set aside my home-made pastries for you... I bought your favorite snacks from the groceries.. I wrote surprise letters for you.. I planned to give you your well-deserved hug when you were breaking down.. You didn't know this.. ...BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T COME!! I planned a picnic date and cooked for the two of us.. I also planned a surprise pizza and pasta party with the gang (and I already told Min and Au about it) on your birthday.. I planned to bring you to that Toy Museum you wanted to check outbon Valentine's Day.. I planned to bring you to Coron Palawan because I wanted to be with you when you first ride the airplane and it would be a surprise all-expense paid because I wanted you to deposit your money to the bank instead on our anniversary adventure + my birthday treat + my graduation gift to you.. You didn't know this.. ...BECAUSE YOU'RE BUSY! Deep down in my heart, I wished you had time for me.. I wished, instead of sending random people some personal messages on Facebook, I wish, you texted me. ONE SIMPLE TEXT MESSAGE MAKES A DIFFERENCE. I know, just today, you didn't reach me until I tried to reach out to you.. Tapos malaman-laman ko, na kinakamusta mo yung ibang tao kaninang hapon. Alam mo ba kung gano kasakit yun sakin?! Na inuna mo pa sila kaysa sakin eh ni maggood morning nga lang di mo pa nagawa! AGAIN, I FEEL IGNORED, NEGLECTED, ABANDONED!!! Lahat lahat na. I feel I am such a BIG FAILURE na bakit hindi ako kayang alagaan ng mga tao na pinapahalagahan ko? Why do they set me aside?! Bakit di nila kayang lumaban against my pride just for the sake of this relationship which is ON LIFE SUPPORT? Ano bang mali sakin? Ano bang di ko pa nabibigay? O ano bang di ko kayang ibigay? ORAS lang naman yung hinhingi ko, saglit lang naman yon....... ❝ When Love Was Real
( posted on Wednesday, March 20, 2013 @ 9:10 AM )
I remember catching up with Cesca over tea sometime this month. Along with that memory is another memory in blur - something from my own selfish and isolated universe.I remember one night of last year when Mom told me a story: She said, "Jason is not going to get married anymore." I curiously asked, "why?" I thought, aside from the good health being taken away from him, he also lost his self-confidence that pushed him to go through it all. True enough, I was right. But, rooting for something other than this. Months ago, he was diagnosed to have multiple malignant brain tumors. The news that threw an explosion to all of us. And yeah, that same thing broke me down big time. The causes of its emergence were gray in color, even to the doctors who checked on him. He needed to undergo a major operation to take off the big tumors to prevent them from scattering all over. Apart from that, he needed a series of chemotheraphy and radiation sessions to melt out the remaining small tumors. Before the aforementioned sessions, the doctors opted to get some sperms from him for preservation so when he decides to marry in the future, the chance of having a baby is still there. But it seemed like the heavens turned its back on him when the doctors examined his sperm cells and found out that nothing was left alive. That got me speechless. I didn't know how it was to see the world crashing and falling apart before him when he knew he couldn't have little Jasons anymore. I didn't know if he ever felt his life still held a purpose. Then, he decided not to get married. Not because he wouldn't be able to produce an offspring and create his very own family, but because he wasn't sure if he'd find somebody who'd live up the life he's destined to embrace. Having heard this from mom, my memories pulled me back when I was still his. The memory has taken my present away from me, leaving me with what I had in the past. As if we were still fresh.. I'd be very certain on this: I'd be his full-time nurse even if he knew I couldn't; I'd be running back and forth to get his medicines taken on time; I'd put him on my back when he couldn't walk alone; I'd read him good books until he'd fall asleep; I'd prepare his breakfast even before he'd wake up; I'd walk him to the streets and let him feel the sunlight against his skin; I'd go to church everyday with the hope of a miracle; I'd take care of him even if I'd die seeing him hurt; I'd give up my plans of building my own family to be able to be by his side forever; I'd forget all the dreams I have for myself to give way to his survival; I'd trade my passion for his simple joy; I'd accept to grow old by myself even if I had the chance to choose not to; I'd be so much more willing to embrace this lonely and sad life in the name of love if only there was no.. ..she. *** 1st picture: At the photobooth during the reception. 2nd picture: Taken by his brother-in-law.Please take not of the mark on his head. That's the scar he got from his operation.   ❝ Disclaimer
( posted on Wednesday, January 30, 2013 @ 3:42 AM )
You may ask me what's the difference between daricapaula and exclusivelypibey. Okay, let me define each: daricapaula is evidently my public blog, where I verbalize the happenings in my life and the thoughts I generously want to share. Probably explains why I promote it on Facebook whenever I have new posts. It also contains pictures of me, people and other else under the sun. On the contrary, Exclusively Pibey is the house of my darkest secrets and most unfathomable emotions. It's my blog that even my boyfriend doesn't know about. In fact, as of the date I wrote this disclaimer, only two people know about this. Lucky, you're the other one! Just to guide you, I am requesting to keep my url as it is right now - meaning, to allow only the three of us know about the letters to type on the address bar for access. Also, please expect Filipino and English twisting together in one post for, sometimes, it's better that way. Okay? So far so good? I think, that's it! See you until my next post, which is soon. Exclusively, Pibey |
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PB, I prefer to be called. I am a person of dreams, faith, happiness and beyond. Has gone tired of life for quite a while but starting to get back to where love is most essential. I never get tired of anything beautiful - from flowers, to pastel colors, to rainbows and tiny little trinkets. I enjoy the beauty of travel, that I let fate let me go places. I secretly write about how my lenses see the world and share the colors of Earth's gray areas. stalk.
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January 2013 / March 2013 /
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